To a Relative

 Once, I would have said        

Your "fairy-tale grandmother" came at the expense of me having any grandmother. Your mother is a spoiled selfish child who can't stand anyone else having the least crumbs. Your grandfather was an abusive controlling miser unable to tolerate anything outside his tightly truncated sphere of influence. I hope I never see you again and have to battle myself between the propriety of simply ignoring you versus storming up to you to tell your family to fuck off into the sun.

Now, I have to see - you were no more at fault than I was. You too were a child caught between adults who never grew up. Your grandfather - my step-grandfather, who wanted to increase that "step" distance - may have been the root of this. Your mother was clearly his Golden Child who could ask for anything and get it. That being said, I'm pretty convinced that my mother stoked the fires of drama just as much as yours. 

Why did the adults pit us against each other? 

Why was it always "___ looks too made up, like their mother"? 

Why were my academics always brought up against your passions? 

The blatant favoritism your grandfather showed hurt. As an adult, I force myself to remember, none of this was your fault or design; you were a child who only knew what you'd been shown. The estrangement I felt from my grandmother was clearly your grandfather's doing; I suspect he wanted to distance her from any "outside" support or influence. He would call me something I thought was a term of endearment - now I suspect it was his way of avoiding acknowledging who I was, that I was a person.

I am so angry that he chose to be miserly, restrictive, abusive, and controlling. I am ashamed of how my mother constantly made passive-aggressive remarks and outright criticism to worsen the rift between my family and yours. I'm disappointed that the grown-ups in our lives chose to be petty, critical, and childish.

It's a shame - I've taken up one of your favorite activities now as an adult, and I wonder if I could have learned from you. Maybe I could have helped you in some way as well. 

I guess I will never know.